Thinking of You

Today, I return to fertility and rejoin the fellowship of women engaging with the circle of life and death; a fellowship so strong, so resilient, so brave.

I see your strength, you women three; the strength that shines like a golden cloak.

I think of you there, clothed in grief. I think of you and those arms that should be holding a baby boy. I think of you and your man and that empty space beside you. I hold you, we hold you, he holds you, but know that it can only fall far short of that which your body aches for. I think of you, entering the tunnel through which there is only one way, a lonely way. I think of you reaching out for that first hidden stepping stone, blind as we all are to the road ahead but suddenly more aware, more alive than we. I think of you gritting your teeth, steeling yourself to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep searching for that next stepping stone.

I think of us, standing with you. Wishing we could journey with you. Cheering you on. Holding your hand. Wiping away tears. Feeling so lost and so privileged to share this time with you, sacred time, time on the edge, the loss of a baby. I think of us, all around the world, united in grief with you. I think of our countless thoughts and prayers for you, and hope that together they might bring about a small shift in the atmosphere; in the cloud surrounding you.

I think of angels, surrounding you. I think of a radiant glow around your bed as you sleep at night. I think of unseen hands stroking cheeks late at night. I think of a beautiful song, that which no man can hear, forming a mist around you; a mist protecting against the darkness that is sure to come.

I think of you there, announcing with joy. I see the courage that took. I see the pain you feel, the losses carried deep within your heart, the pain of the journey carried all around. I see the strength your choice brings. I see people around you, desperate to share your joy.

I see you, and I applaud. I see your bump, so ripe and proud. I see your belly, growing in completion of it's mission. I see your baby, arriving with shouts so triumphant. I see you there, choosing hope and faith. I see you there, choosing joy after loss. I see you there, appreciating beauty.

I think of you there, with that baby in your belly. I think of you there, with arms still aching. I think of you there, mama to three. I think of you there. I see you stepping forward every day. I see the road you travelled. I see the person you have become, the motherhood you have grown into, the destiny you fulfill. I see your boys, lying in your arms as they always have. I see them, you see them, we see them. Others may not see them. That's ok, they are still there.

I see your circle of joyful cheerleaders, willing you onwards with every breath, not towards forgetting, but towards the motherhood of three.

I see you there, you women three. Bravely engaging with this most painful of dances. And I salute.