- You are more resourceful than you know.
- You are more resilient than you can imagine.
- You are braver than you hope.
- You are bold.
- You persevere.
- You're ok.
Friday, 15 August 2014
Things I Would Tell Myself, Aged Almost 28
Hey, you! You over there with the giant belly. Ready to go into labour any day. This is the you who has a baby about to turn one. I'm here to tell you, things are going to be just fine.
Thinking of You
Today, I return to fertility and rejoin the fellowship of women engaging with the circle of life and death; a fellowship so strong, so resilient, so brave.
I see your strength, you women three; the strength that shines like a golden cloak.
I think of you there, clothed in grief. I think of you and those arms that should be holding a baby boy. I think of you and your man and that empty space beside you. I hold you, we hold you, he holds you, but know that it can only fall far short of that which your body aches for. I think of you, entering the tunnel through which there is only one way, a lonely way. I think of you reaching out for that first hidden stepping stone, blind as we all are to the road ahead but suddenly more aware, more alive than we. I think of you gritting your teeth, steeling yourself to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep searching for that next stepping stone.
I think of us, standing with you. Wishing we could journey with you. Cheering you on. Holding your hand. Wiping away tears. Feeling so lost and so privileged to share this time with you, sacred time, time on the edge, the loss of a baby. I think of us, all around the world, united in grief with you. I think of our countless thoughts and prayers for you, and hope that together they might bring about a small shift in the atmosphere; in the cloud surrounding you.
I think of angels, surrounding you. I think of a radiant glow around your bed as you sleep at night. I think of unseen hands stroking cheeks late at night. I think of a beautiful song, that which no man can hear, forming a mist around you; a mist protecting against the darkness that is sure to come.
I think of you there, announcing with joy. I see the courage that took. I see the pain you feel, the losses carried deep within your heart, the pain of the journey carried all around. I see the strength your choice brings. I see people around you, desperate to share your joy.
I see you, and I applaud. I see your bump, so ripe and proud. I see your belly, growing in completion of it's mission. I see your baby, arriving with shouts so triumphant. I see you there, choosing hope and faith. I see you there, choosing joy after loss. I see you there, appreciating beauty.
I think of you there, with that baby in your belly. I think of you there, with arms still aching. I think of you there, mama to three. I think of you there. I see you stepping forward every day. I see the road you travelled. I see the person you have become, the motherhood you have grown into, the destiny you fulfill. I see your boys, lying in your arms as they always have. I see them, you see them, we see them. Others may not see them. That's ok, they are still there.
I see your circle of joyful cheerleaders, willing you onwards with every breath, not towards forgetting, but towards the motherhood of three.
I see you there, you women three. Bravely engaging with this most painful of dances. And I salute.
I see your strength, you women three; the strength that shines like a golden cloak.
I think of you there, clothed in grief. I think of you and those arms that should be holding a baby boy. I think of you and your man and that empty space beside you. I hold you, we hold you, he holds you, but know that it can only fall far short of that which your body aches for. I think of you, entering the tunnel through which there is only one way, a lonely way. I think of you reaching out for that first hidden stepping stone, blind as we all are to the road ahead but suddenly more aware, more alive than we. I think of you gritting your teeth, steeling yourself to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep searching for that next stepping stone.
I think of us, standing with you. Wishing we could journey with you. Cheering you on. Holding your hand. Wiping away tears. Feeling so lost and so privileged to share this time with you, sacred time, time on the edge, the loss of a baby. I think of us, all around the world, united in grief with you. I think of our countless thoughts and prayers for you, and hope that together they might bring about a small shift in the atmosphere; in the cloud surrounding you.
I think of angels, surrounding you. I think of a radiant glow around your bed as you sleep at night. I think of unseen hands stroking cheeks late at night. I think of a beautiful song, that which no man can hear, forming a mist around you; a mist protecting against the darkness that is sure to come.
I think of you there, announcing with joy. I see the courage that took. I see the pain you feel, the losses carried deep within your heart, the pain of the journey carried all around. I see the strength your choice brings. I see people around you, desperate to share your joy.
I see you, and I applaud. I see your bump, so ripe and proud. I see your belly, growing in completion of it's mission. I see your baby, arriving with shouts so triumphant. I see you there, choosing hope and faith. I see you there, choosing joy after loss. I see you there, appreciating beauty.
I think of you there, with that baby in your belly. I think of you there, with arms still aching. I think of you there, mama to three. I think of you there. I see you stepping forward every day. I see the road you travelled. I see the person you have become, the motherhood you have grown into, the destiny you fulfill. I see your boys, lying in your arms as they always have. I see them, you see them, we see them. Others may not see them. That's ok, they are still there.
I see your circle of joyful cheerleaders, willing you onwards with every breath, not towards forgetting, but towards the motherhood of three.
I see you there, you women three. Bravely engaging with this most painful of dances. And I salute.
Tuesday, 5 August 2014
Where We Are: 12 Months
It was your birthday last week! What a super special week it has been. Love you little man.
What we've been up to: This past week we have been so busy with birthday events. I took you to the farm with some little friends. On your birthday, our doula and her daughters came over and spent the day. On Saturday, we had family over for a party, you were given some great toys. Your favourite is definitely the zebra walker/trike/scooter Nana & Grandad bought you. On Sunday, we had one year pics taken and it made me feel very emotional to think you have been alive a whole year. Very emotional indeed! I feel so lucky. You are so great. Then yesterday we went to Leicester for a joint birthday picnic with a little pal of yours who's birthday it was yesterday.
Your teeth are really bothering you & your sleep has been really disturbed the past couple of days, so you are having a well earned nap right now. This morning we took Charlie for a long walk with our friend Emma and a dog she is looking after called Guinness, who is a dog mountain. Hoping for some better sleep tonight little man! You were supposed to have your injections today, but I have rearranged them for a couple of weeks time due to the teeth - your temperature is also running a little high.
My favourite moment of today: Snuggling up with you in bed after you drifted off for your nap peacefully. Those moments really are perfection.
What you are up to at the moment: You are taking a few steps on your own (for about a month now, and getting more confident), and standing for short periods on your own more confidently. At the farm trip you walked between a rabbit hutch and Oliver's pushchair, I was so proud. You also took some steps for the photographer so we have it on camera finally!!!
Tricky moment this week: Your lack of sleep over the past couple of nights (I think Daddy would agree!). Much Calpol utilised. Last night you were unsettled between me coming to bed and about 1:30am. Then woke again at 4, wide awake and unsettled. After 2.5 hours sleep (and about 2 hours sleep total the night before) I couldn't handle it, called daddy in and went to sleep myself in our bed while Daddy lay with you. That was very tricky for me and I imagine for Daddy too. I was struggling to keep my cool when giving you Calpol at about 1:30am as you wouldn't take it and I was so so tired.
Best moment this week: You wanting to play in the garden with Emma's daughters (6 & 12), like a big boy. That was a good one.
What I am looking forward to: Going for lunch with Auntie Helena on Friday and seeing Rachel, James, Albert and Edith on Sunday.
My Inspiration: I am still thinking about my voice. It is hard. I used to not post on facebook for fear of rejection. Now I feel more confident and post more, but sometimes the fear of rejection gets me so hard. Last night I posted about the need for religious tolerance, just a little short post, but I couldn't sleep because I was tormenting myself thinking I shouldn't have posted it and that it's only my narcissistic tendencies that lead me to (thinking that believing I have something to say equals narcissism), & I was overanalysing what I had said. This is such bullshit and I am looking forward to moving past it and glad I am engaging with it. I wish I was less narcissistic and hope it will die away a little as I heal more and get more confident. Painful, challenging times.
I wrote about your conception story - as a comment on somebody's post in the BT group yesterday. It encouraged a couple of people to believe in signs and wonders and that was very inspiring. Reminded me how powerful and capable God is. I forget to believe so often.
What we've been up to: This past week we have been so busy with birthday events. I took you to the farm with some little friends. On your birthday, our doula and her daughters came over and spent the day. On Saturday, we had family over for a party, you were given some great toys. Your favourite is definitely the zebra walker/trike/scooter Nana & Grandad bought you. On Sunday, we had one year pics taken and it made me feel very emotional to think you have been alive a whole year. Very emotional indeed! I feel so lucky. You are so great. Then yesterday we went to Leicester for a joint birthday picnic with a little pal of yours who's birthday it was yesterday.
Your teeth are really bothering you & your sleep has been really disturbed the past couple of days, so you are having a well earned nap right now. This morning we took Charlie for a long walk with our friend Emma and a dog she is looking after called Guinness, who is a dog mountain. Hoping for some better sleep tonight little man! You were supposed to have your injections today, but I have rearranged them for a couple of weeks time due to the teeth - your temperature is also running a little high.
My favourite moment of today: Snuggling up with you in bed after you drifted off for your nap peacefully. Those moments really are perfection.
What you are up to at the moment: You are taking a few steps on your own (for about a month now, and getting more confident), and standing for short periods on your own more confidently. At the farm trip you walked between a rabbit hutch and Oliver's pushchair, I was so proud. You also took some steps for the photographer so we have it on camera finally!!!
Tricky moment this week: Your lack of sleep over the past couple of nights (I think Daddy would agree!). Much Calpol utilised. Last night you were unsettled between me coming to bed and about 1:30am. Then woke again at 4, wide awake and unsettled. After 2.5 hours sleep (and about 2 hours sleep total the night before) I couldn't handle it, called daddy in and went to sleep myself in our bed while Daddy lay with you. That was very tricky for me and I imagine for Daddy too. I was struggling to keep my cool when giving you Calpol at about 1:30am as you wouldn't take it and I was so so tired.
Best moment this week: You wanting to play in the garden with Emma's daughters (6 & 12), like a big boy. That was a good one.
What I am looking forward to: Going for lunch with Auntie Helena on Friday and seeing Rachel, James, Albert and Edith on Sunday.
My Inspiration: I am still thinking about my voice. It is hard. I used to not post on facebook for fear of rejection. Now I feel more confident and post more, but sometimes the fear of rejection gets me so hard. Last night I posted about the need for religious tolerance, just a little short post, but I couldn't sleep because I was tormenting myself thinking I shouldn't have posted it and that it's only my narcissistic tendencies that lead me to (thinking that believing I have something to say equals narcissism), & I was overanalysing what I had said. This is such bullshit and I am looking forward to moving past it and glad I am engaging with it. I wish I was less narcissistic and hope it will die away a little as I heal more and get more confident. Painful, challenging times.
I wrote about your conception story - as a comment on somebody's post in the BT group yesterday. It encouraged a couple of people to believe in signs and wonders and that was very inspiring. Reminded me how powerful and capable God is. I forget to believe so often.
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