Dear Husband: Please Take Pictures of Me Nursing

Dear Heart,

I asked you to take pictures of me that time, remember? Pictures of me nursing?

Then I asked you that other time, remember?

And again?

And it hasn't happened.

I am prouder of nursing than I am of anything else I have ever done, ever.

Not everyone gets to breastfeed. Some people don't have the necessary appendage. Some people don't have children. Of those that do and are female, many hope to breastfeed and can't. Many give up for cultural reasons before they have reached the point Sam and I are at. Many choose to feed their babies differently.

But I, I chose to feed my baby like this, and then I hoped and prayed. I hoped and prayed that I would be one of the chosen, one of the few who is both able and wants to. I hoped and prayed for this bond with my child. I hoped and prayed to nurture and comfort him with my own body. In the way I have dreamed of for years. 

I wonder if the request disquiets you. Whether you feel the moments are too intimate to intrude upon, or uncomfortable with seeing the breasts that you have enjoyed engaged in baby feeding.

This is a moment in time I won't get back again. Nurturing and growing a baby was what I most longed to be able to do. The pregnancy is over. And now I am half way to weaning him, something I want to do about as much as I want to give up chocolate. I have read a lot, and I have thought a lot, and I believe that we are meant to feed for much, much longer than is culturally acceptable in our society. However, we will still have had these two years; I will always have these two years feeding him, no matter how the future turns out. He will always be my first nurseling. I will always be so proud of what my body was able to give him, of the health benefits I have given him, but especially of the psychological benefits I have given him. I am so nervous to wean him and take away his only means of comfort. It's not fair on him, and I feel selfish.

I have got half way to weaning him, and I don't have a single picture with which to remember the thing I am most proud of doing.

I don't accomplish much, you know that. My list of accomplishments doesn't look like much to the world in comparison to yours. But this thing, this I accomplished. This I can do, and do well. This I give to our son.

And weaning him will be a gift to you, for our family. A chance to grow our family. 

So please do this for me. Please photograph me, so that I can look back and remember our time together. Remember the period we spent, easing his transition to the world and away from my body. 

To you, this might still seem a little repulsive. Maybe you think he is old enough to wean, I don't know. Or maybe the whole thing is a non-event. Whatever. To me, this is the whole world. I am so proud. And to Sam, this is the whole world. He doesn't know that breasts are breasts; to him they are milk and cuddles.

Please photograph us. I want to have a whole host of photos to remember our last year of nursing. (It might see me through the heartbreak!)